SONGS AND SCRIPTS AND DUNKING BISCUITS

I often wonder when gripped by one of my regular feelings of severe inadequacy whether there are two types of person in this world -those who can do DIY and those who can’t.

I’ll take it further; is it possible that there are those who can do ‘stuff’ ,such as build a garden wall, fix some rendering, repair a dodgy piece of guttering, ‘cut-in’ perfectly when they paint between ceiling and wall, change a car tyre with smooth and swift efficiency…and there are those who simply can’t and just pay someone who can.

By now you will have guessed which category I fall into, as there is little point to this blog if I’m just going to say how good I am at all of those things and more. Then it just becomes a Boast Blog, and who wants to read those except the person who writes them?

My lack of practical skills has come into sharp focus since I bought a new place. And it’s not all about lack of application. Obviously electrical work is something that would require experience and qualifications. Enthusiasm and a have-a-go spirit can only take you so far, and rewiring an electrical circuit would definitely fall into that category.

Similarly most plumbing issues, if not all, would most likely be a no-go area. As would replacing loose slates on a roof, complex joinery, negotiating anything remotely to do with gas, or randomly knocking down an internal wall. These are jobs for people who know their subject. They are without exception go-to people who we should pay for their skills, and training.

No, what I’m talking about is the other stuff, the ‘simple’ stuff, the kind you would find YouTube videos for that last no more than 3-4 minutes. Take painting, for one. How to use a roller on a wall and not end up with large patches that the roller either soaks in paint or leaves it annoyingly bare.

 “Oh you’ve put too much paint on the roller” the annoying have-a-go ‘experts’ tell me, or just as unhelpfully “make sure it rolls as it paints, not slide. Did it slide or did it roll?” Well both as it happens, smart a*se”.

And that’s where the instructions on paint tins don’t help, as they advise to ‘add liberally’. What I guess they don’t mean however is add liberally all over my hands or hair, but nonetheless that happens. Every time.

On the said YouTube videos, paint spreads evenly and beautifully from paintbrush or roller onto wall or ceiling. What a doddle, let me have a go. No, I should not be allowed anywhere near an area requiring the smooth and even application of paint. God did not bless me with the decorating gene and that’s all there is to it. It’s not my fault.

The same can be said for most things to do with a car, such as changing a brake bulb or wheel. I simply would not dare drive on a wheel that I had changed, either for the safety of myself or other road users. Recently I needed to change two brake bulbs that had both gone so I paid £9 extra for the man in the car maintenance shop to do it for me while I stood around awkwardly and uselessly watching. We both understood. Some men can do stuff, and some men do other stuff.

For example I can write a passable play, short story or song. But be honest, if your car breaks down on a dark road in the middle of the night who are you going to want be your side, someone who can fix the problem and have you moving merrily on you way again, or someone who can make jokes or sing you a tune?

So there’s the dilemma, if you had to choose between being creative or being practical, which one would you go for? My choice changes depending on the situation, but on pure monetary terms, I think there’s a chance most plumbers make a lot more money on average than most writers or performers.

But then, most of us can name several famous writers or performers, but how many electricians become superstars? Who does society value most?

The final irony to all of this is at 17 I was offered an apprenticeship as a joiner. How? I recall very casually mentioning to my father that it must nice to be able to make something with wood. I meant it. I didn’t mean I wanted to try it. I’d played truant from school for three weeks when I was 13 because I hated the woodwork teacher.

However we had a family friend who had his own joinery business and as I was unemployed at the time suddenly I found myself mixing concrete on a Monday morning while the family friend erected fence posts. I lasted two weeks, before packing it in, much to the embarrassment and anger of my parents.

But I knew I didn’t have what it took. I still don’t, but I’m at peace with it. As long as I put up enough pictures no-one’s going to notice the paint blotches behind them, right?