SONGS AND SCRIPTS AND DUNKING BISCUITS

20 years ago, England were playing in the 2006 World Cup in Germany.

It ended in another inglorious failure, an apparent Golden Generation of English players that included Stephen Gerrard, Joe Cole and Wayne Rooney losing 1-0 to France in the Quarter-Finals.

Just before it all kicked off however for me there was a bright ray of optimism as I entered the BBC World Cup Tapes competition, which was about writing a 3-4 minute monologue based around the World Cup for BBC Radio 5.

It was written in hope rather than expectation, as these things always are. But I tried, as I invariably do.

I wrote a comedy monologue about a guy who works in a Fish n’ Chip shop who’s boss is too mean to give the staff any time off to see the football, or even to have a TV in the chippy for the staff to watch. I gave it the title of Salt and Vinegar.

I went over and over it to get it as right as I possibly could. I deliberated and deliberated again, changing a word here or a phrase there. I wanted the character to be black and to sound authentic, not easy for the whitest guy in the world. And then I finally sent it off.

Within a week the BBC were in touch asking for my bank details. No mention as to whether I had won, so I tentatively asked if I had, half expecting it meant I was being considered and they were getting the details ready just in case. The cash prize was £150.

They then replied to say I had won.

The monologue was performed by Kwame Kwei Armah, an actor who had achieved public fame in the UK for playing Finlay in the hit BBC hospital drama Casualty. However Kwame was also nominated for the Olivier Award as a writer for his fifth play Elmina’s Kitchen. He has achieved numerous acting and writing credits since and for seven years was Artistic Director of the Centre Stage Theatre in Baltimore. In 2014 he was appointed A Fellow of The Royal Society of Literature.

His list of credits and awards continued to grow and in 2026 his musical CrazySexyCool has been performed at The Arena Stage in Washington DC.

But for just 3 and a half minutes in 2006 Kwame brilliantly performed my little monologue which I wrote in my bedroom and was broadcast to the nation on BBC Radio 5.

As England progress in the 2026 World Cup it is nice for me to look back on something I had largely forgotten about and very few of my friends at the time got to hear. I look back on it now with genuine pride.

If anyone would like a listen, here is a link that has sat metaphorically gathering dust since 2006.